Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
by Holly Jolly
Summary: After "Hannibal" Clarice reflects on what might have been.


"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"  
  
by: Holly Graham  
  
Author's Note: "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" is a song from Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical, "The Phantom of the Opera". The characters depicted in this story are property of Thomas Harris. Both the song and the characters are used here for strictly entertainment purposes with no money being made from this story. No copyright infringement was intended.  
  
"You were once  
  
my one companion...  
  
you were all  
  
that mattered...  
  
You were once a friend and father -  
  
then my world was shattered...  
  
Wishing you were  
  
somehow here again...  
  
wishing you were  
  
somehow near...  
  
Sometimes it seemed,  
  
if I just dreamed,  
  
somehow you would be here...  
  
Wishing I could  
  
hear your voice again..  
  
knowing that I  
  
never would...  
  
Dreaming of you  
  
won't help me to do  
  
all that you dreamed  
  
I could...  
  
Passing bells  
  
and sculpted angels,  
  
cold and monumental,  
  
seem, for you,  
  
the wrong companions -  
  
you were warm and gentle...  
  
Too many years  
  
fighting back tears...  
  
Why can't the past  
  
just die?  
  
Wishing you were  
  
somehow here again..  
  
knowing we must  
  
say goodbye...  
  
Try to forgive...  
  
teach me to live...  
  
give me the strength  
  
to try...  
  
No more memories,  
  
no more silent tears...  
  
No more gazing across  
  
the wasted years...  
  
Help me say  
  
goodbye."  
  
Clarice M. Starling pressed the stop button on the remote control to stop the CD. She wiped the tears silently from her face and decided that she had to stop listening to sad songs. She turned off the stereo, sighed, and turned to look out the window of her townhouse. It was snowing, a week before Christmas, and she was depressed. She had refused to put up any decorations or buy any presents this year; Clarice was not in a celebrating mood. Over the last six months since the incidents at Paul Krendler's summer home, she had become increasingly more withdrawn from life although she did know why. It was not due to the fact that she had been dismissed from the FBI and that everything she had worked so hard for was now for naught. No, it was due simply to the fact that the one man she might have had a future with was gone from her life.  
  
Clarice laid down on the couch, curled up in the fetal position without realizing she did so, and let her thoughts drift slowly back to her memories of him. She could see his smile and hear his voice. She remembered the way he would say her name when they were alone...  
  
Clarice...  
  
and her heart ached. As she drifted closer to sleep, Clarice's mind wandered over the lyrics of the song she had just listened to. How accurate they were in this instance. And her mind wandered...  
  
"You once asked me a question and without thinking, I immediately responded negatively. My answer hurt you but you didn't miss a beat, and you didn't let it show. Because of my pride, I pushed you away; I couldn't let myself seem vulnerable. All you ever did was teach me and guide me and I took for granted that I'd always have you in my life.  
  
"I yearn to hear your voice once again. I yearn to see your face once again, smiling at me the way you used to. I know I must say goodbye and let you go but I cannot seem to do that. The image of you burns within me, scarring me.  
  
"Our relationship began as merely teacher and student..but quickly progressed to one of mutual respect and admiration. And in the end I was more emotionally connected to you than I would have ever admitted to anyone, even myself. You always saw potential in me that no one else even cared to see and because of it you continuously encouraged me and pushed me to go farther, work harder, and reach higher than I ever imagined I could. I am who I am today because of your strength, your character, and your devotion...to me.  
  
"I cannot help but wonder how we might have been had I responded to your question in the positive rather than the negative. How good would we be together? How comfortable? How would we love each other? And what might our future children look like?  
  
"I am embarrassed at my thoughts...I know they are merely the wonderings of a bitter, cynical woman destined to grow to be an old spinster. And yet, even still...  
  
"I just can't help but think...  
  
"What might have been...  
  
"My only true love...  
  
"John Brigham."  
  
Fin  
  
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